Before we begin, I'd like to take a second to give tribute to two of the most respected pioneers of sexology. A lot of the topics we will be touching will have a lot of research by these pioneers, so it is only fair to recognize/give credit where credit is due.
1) Alfred Kinsey was the first person to begin exploring sexuality from a scientific approach, he founded the Institute for Sex Research at Indiana University — Alfred Kinsey was the one invented the Kinsey Scale (basically a scale to determine sexual orientation. The scale ranges from 0 to 6, depending on experience. 0 meaning exclusively identifying as a heterosexual or 6 meaning exclusively homosexual.
2) William Masters and Virginia Johnson, also widely known as Masters & Johnson. Without these two, who knows if sex therapy would even be a 'thing', they played an enormous role in society's views on sex; famous for their contributions to sex research for creating the four-stage model of sexual response (excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution)
Sex, sex, sex. It makes the world go round, man. It really does.
Libido. What is libido? As per the Miram-Webster book of definitions libido is "instinctual psychic energy that in psychoanalytic theory is derived from primitive biological urges (as for sexual pleasure or self-preservation) and that is expressed in conscious activity," (i.e. sexual desire) for those of you who are not studying psychology or are in the medical field, sex drive is the term.
I'd like to start by stating nothing about sex is "normal", we are all into different things and also have different limbic systems. Now, I must emphasize and reiterate that sex drive varies per person; no two sex drives are alike — sexual arousal/desire or lack thereof. Sexual desire fluctuates. What you may feel today, you may not feel tomorrow. There is a lot of variability in sex drives, according to a research study conducted in 2009 by the Archive of Sexual Behavior there is actually more variability in sex drive among women than man.
There is a stereotype that men are more sexual than women and women do not crave or look for sex as often as a man does — which is simply not true. Okay fine, scientifically speaking, yes; they do tend to have higher sex drives. I mean, they do produce a hell of a lot more testosterone than women do.
I had a few women reach out to me to share with me how they don't believe it is fair that women are looked at as 'delicate flowers' or as less sexual beings when compared to men; to a point that a woman becomes insecure or embarrassed about sharing their sexual desires, whether it be with a partner or a casual fling. I could not agree more with those women. Keep on wanting the sex you rightfully deserve, ladies. If a man is intimated by how often you want to have sex, that man does not deserve you, your time or your vagina. And guys, if a woman's sex drive isn't as high as yours, don't shame her for it or try to guilt her into having more sex with you.
KEEP ON WANTING THE SEX YOU DESERVE, LADIES
I think it is honestly *so* rude how often men focus on their drive/needs and not a woman's drive/needs. If a person has a higher sex drive than you are used to and possibly never dealt with, then either you make it work or you don't, but do not EVER shame a person for having a high sex drive. I will say this until I am blue in the face, WOMEN WANT SEX AS MUCH AS MEN DO and we are centuries overdue for men to wrap their heads around it.
We as women are sexual beings, the only real difference between a man and a woman's sex drive is their gender but it should not be interpreted as if us women are uninterested or that our sexual needs and wants are any less important than a man.
So if you could also refrain from slut shaming women for doing what pleases them, that would be amazing. Ladies, from here on out what we are NOT doing is lessening ourselves as the sexual beings we are and deserve to openly be, in order to preserve a mans masculine energy.
A study conducted by the Archives for Sexual Behavior shows that people are having far less sex than ten years ago and women are experiencing less orgasms — tragic, I know. WE ALL DESERVE TO HAVE GREAT SEX!
WE ALL DESERVE TO HAVE GREAT SEX!
A great sex life stems from communication, trust, intimacy, active listening and sometimes — trying new things. There is SO much to learn about sex and you can't truly know how sexual you are if you don't try. Hyposexual or hypersexual, never be ashamed of who you are, what you want or what you don't want.
My ladies with low sex drives, don't ever be ashamed of it. However, I do suggest going to your primary or gynecologist if you are experiencing lack of interest or arousal for a period of longer than 6 months. It is always best to rule out medical issues, before seeing a therapist.
If you are in a committed relationship, speak to your partner openly about your sex drive. After all, communication is key. There are some key components that may play a role in a lower sex drive. Below you will find possible reasons for lack of desire.
Abuse of alcohol and drugs
Anxiety, stress, or depression
History of childhood sexual abuse
Medication (i.e. birth control, anti-depressants or mood stabilizers)
Sensory issues (Sensate focus therapy is amazing for this)
Lack of trust
Libido After Pregnancy
My mamas to newborns, toddlers or adolescents, please don't be discouraged or confused if you happen to experience a low libido months after birth, sometimes years. Just because you don't see moms talking about it openly, doesn't mean you are the only one experiencing this. Breastfeeding has been shown to play a role in decreased libido among women who have recently given birth. Not only is it a hormonal issue but raising a child is a difficult task and it is often stressful, I am sure — for both stay at home moms and full-time working moms. Life can get in the way of our pleasures sometimes.
https://youtu.be/TATJicBDhoc (I found this TED TALK on Libido, Hormones & Health to be helpful)
Below you will see a list of natural ways to increase your libido:
SELF-CONFIDENCE LADIES, LOVE THE SKIN YOU ARE IN BABY BECAUSE YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!
I would like to end today's topic by saying T H A N K Y O U, to every single one of you who asked me questions and gave me topic suggestions. I hope I am able to make these topics entertaining, easy to understand but most importantly, informative. I hope that this can become a platform where sex can be spoken about, without judgment. Every single one of you are amazing & I encourage you all to get to know your bodies more and explore you sexuality more.
END NOTE: I'm gonna be very clear, my mission as a future sex therapist is for sex to be spoken about so openly and freely that it is no longer considered 'taboo' or 'slutty' to talk out loud about sex. If you have an issue with openly speaking about sex and sexuality from an educational standpoint then I literally don't know what to say except you should probably not read any other one of my blog posts because they will only be getting 'dirtier'. If talking about something so beautiful and natural makes you feel icky or uncomfortable... I can't apologize for that nor am I hear to change minds, but rather to simply open them.
"If we all knew that we were all perverts, we might be a lot happier.”