Pleasure toys, pleasure toys, pleasure toys. If by now you haven't put two and two together, self-pleasure is something I make a priority in my life. Vibrators, external vibrators, internal vibrators, couples vibrators, dildos, anal beads, butt plugs — the whole sha-bam.
I started using pleasure toys when I was 16. I don't think I will ever forget the first time I bought a sex toy. My friend and I had ditched school one morning and drove around Miami for hours. Eventually, we had made our way to Playthings Miami, where I bought my first non-vibrating dildo along with rope for bondage. It literally all started there. I bought a few other toys here and there but it was not until I was 18, probably 19, when I bought my first internal vibrator.
As someone who has never been in a relationship, I have had the opportunity to have all kinds of sexual partners — both men and women. Some were open-minded and willing to explore sexually and try any idea I shot out, however, some would flinch at the thought of any of my sexual desires or fantasies.
Being Open About Your Sexual Desires (in a relationship)
More often than not, there is a lot of sensitivity around suggesting to a partner to incorporate pleasure toys in the bedroom. A lot of it stems from societal views and the myth that women are not sexual beings and that it is "wrong" or "slutty" to explore your sexuality. If you've never tried introducing a toy to your partner, this topic can be a 'hit or miss'. This conversation must be approached with an open-mind and empathy.
Whether you're looking to incorporate couples' toys or clitoral stimulation, maybe you are even interested in bringing anal play into the bedroom — communication is not debatable, it is a must. We have to respect that sexuality can make others feel extremely uncomfortable or intimidated so tread lightly, with caution and care. If you are someone who is more sexually-liberated and open then I am sure you know this topic must be approached in a nice manner. Don't make the conversation only about you, make sure the conversation is about both of your sexual desires — it does take two to tango, no?
This conversation is not about what your sex life is lacking, but rather enhancing your sex life.
Incorporating pleasure toys in your relationship is not at all about making up for something in your sex life but rather adding fire and intensity to the intimate life of someone you love. If you make the conversation about what your sex life is lacking, your partners' reaction is going to be defensive. Instead of "I need this because you're not giving my orgasms", try "I would really love to try this with you. I think it would be hot if you used a *insert toy preference* on me." You know your partner, make the conversation as pleasant and arousing as possible.
This is not to point fingers to what one or the other is doing, or lack there of. This is about taking your sex life and turning into something greater than either could imagine.
Whether you want to expand your sexuality, achieve orgasm, achieving multiple orgasms at once, or perhaps hit a plateau in your relationship, pleasure toys are a great incorporation in anyone's bedroom.
If someone is not into something you are into, please respect their desires and don't turn them away. If your partner is not ready or open to trying something, compromise. It is all about communication. Remember, even those who are very open-minded, can feel shamed for your response to their desires.
I've had followers Direct Message me telling me that their partner has reacted negatively to their desire to incorporate toys. I've had close heterosexual, male friends express to me that they feel as if pleasure toys will act as a replacement for penetrative sex. What did all of them have in common? There was no communication beforehand. Their partner bought a new toy "behind their back" and basically just whipped it out and suggested "Let's try this!" You can't just whip out a dildo and let the rest unfold. If you don't know how to initiate the conversation, direct them to this blog and see what their opinion might be.
Pleasure toys not only bring pleasure but also, fun, laughter, and a sense of comfortability in the bedroom. Pleasure toys are nowhere near as intimidating or scary as you may think. In my very humble opinion, if you are concerned that a pleasure toy will take away the attention from your partner, you might want to ask yourself where that thought is rooted from. Ego also has a lot to do with it.
When it comes to choosing pleasure toys, in a relationship, I always recommend choosing a toy that is enjoyable for both you and your partner, like the We-Vibe Sync or a small bullet vibrator but also as minimally intimidating as possible. Choosing a toy together is a great way to pave way for new sexual adventures and hunger.
Using Sex Toys with Casual Sex Partners
As previously mentioned, as someone who has never been in a relationship, I have been lucky enough to spend the last nine (9) years having multiple casual sex partners. That in itself, has taught me a lot about sexuality. I have gained a lot of perspective, knowledge and experience through my sexual encounters. I've had more positive experiences with introducing sex toys in my casual sex partnerships, than negative ones.
"As a woman, have you used toys on women and how did you bring it up?"
Yes, I am into women. Yes, I have used sex toys with women. From finger vibrators to internal vibrators, even dildos. Women have never been shy around the idea of me incorporating sex toys in the bedroom but then again, who knows a woman — better than a woman? Ask probing questions when you are interested in getting to know a woman's sexual desires and kinks. Women like to be caressed and touched as much as they enjoy being loved and cared for and this includes sexually. Appreciate and understand a woman's mind and her body will lead you.
Men on the other hand, aghh men. In a society where men are shamed for exploring or even entertaining the idea about anything that has to do with with their anus. I am huge on exerting energy and tricks that arouse my partner(s). If you didn't know, prostate massages are amazing for men. It is said that the massaging the prostate, elicits the same orgasmic sensation that the female G-spot does. If I was a man, I would be all up in that prostate like white on rice. Luckily, none of my male sex partners have ever opposed to trying things with their anus.
Ladies, if you want to incorporate anal play in the bedroom with your man — please don't start by pulling out a huge dildo or by sticking your tongue down their anus, before communicating with them. Just like as women, society gives us this idea that anal is "simple, fast and easy" but a lot of us know that is far from the truth. You ease into things, you don't force it in (no pun intended) — so the same thing goes with men and their rectum. Treat it gently and with delicacy.
Anal play is a staple in a heterosexual, homosexual, anything sexual relationship, in my humble opinion. Most men miss out on one of the most simple yet greatest pleasures of life, in fear of being called names or feel shamed. One of my male friends, once told me something that has stuck in my head and always makes me giggle, "After the first time I got my a** ate, I tell all my boys to get their a** ate so they can shoot cum like a fountain", and it is true. It does really happen like that so, gentlemen, get to it.
Don't knock anything until you try it
If you're still conflicted about how or what pleasure toys to incorporate into the bedroom with a partner, consider starting simple with stimulating gels & oils , my personal favorite is the stimulating spray by Sliquid because it's much more efficient to me.
"What are pheromones?" Pheromones is characterized by "substances which are secreted to the outside by an individual and received by a second individual of the same species."
Have you ever seen your partner sweaty and want to literally lick it off? Or when you smell someones shirt or sweater and smell them? How many of us can agree that sometimes we find ourselves attracted to strangers or others, simply because of their smell? We all release pheromones, now imagine adding stimulating gels or essential oils into the bedroom to enhance your clitoral stimulation or your partners erection. Senses play a pivotal role in a woman's sexual response, thus incorporating gels & oils, enhances arousal with minimal effort.
Be open to learning together
Step out of your comfort zone. Be open to trying new things.
If you got this far, thank you for reading and supporting! I hope this post is helpful to anyone and everyone trying to incorporate pleasure toys in their sex life or upping their pleasure toy game. If anyone has any other suggestions on topics you'd like to read on, email or DM me :)