Being a Sex-Positive Female

Updated: May 14, 2019

I have wanted to write my thoughts on this matter for a little bit now and felt it should just be said so any time it is asked, I can direct a link to this post. Something I am frequently asked by acquaintances and people who don’t know me personally but know of #SexTalkWithSteph is how I feel about dating since having started this platform. Which I was expecting and suspect there will be more questions as the years pass and I make this platform bigger.

Sex-positive females are so common (I’ve met so many on this platform) and yet people are still so intimidated and concerned with them. People hear the word sex and instantly associate it with penis-vaginal activity. It is so much more than that and that is why sex educators, coaches, and therapist strive to do what they do.

About a month ago, someone Direct Messaged me, taunting and making rude comments to their assumption of what it is that I do. It is pretty mind blowing to know there are individuals who are so close-minded & most likely uneducated on sex and sexual education as a whole. 

“No man will ever want to marry a woman who talks about sex”“So basically you talk about your sex life openly?”“Does your mother not feel embarrassment for what you do"  

#1 I don’t care if a man won’t marry me because I am en-route to becoming a sex therapist or because I am a sex-positive female who openly talks about sexual matters and pleasure toys. I love my life and who I am as a person. If someone truly loves me one day, my lifestyle won’t be grounds for dismissal. 

#2 I don’t talk about my sex life on this platform. Not sure where this even came from but hey, I can’t seem to figure out where the other statements rooted from either. 

#3 I appreciate the concern for my mother but I am an adult and for anyone who is concerned with her thoughts on what I do — she doesn’t give a f*ck. She supports me, unconditionally. She always has & I know she always will. She also follows me on #SexTalkWithSteph and sees me post about all my dildos, vibrators, anal toys, everything. She’s not embarrassed. To be honest, I’m sure my mom realized exactly who she had as a daughter the moment I texted her during lunch my 7th grade year (middle school) that I was into girls. I literally think that day just kinda made her a sponge to anything else in life I was interested in doing (no pun intended). 

I’ve had boys try to use my page as leverage to try and talk to other women (women have showed and told me) and use certain posts or topics, as an ice breaker. I will put this very blatantly, knock it the f*ck off. The women you decide to hit on with sexual innuendos are 9 out of 10 chances going to reject those advances and if they had any desire to have sex with you prior to your message, she probably has absolutely no desire to after your message. Stop doing that sh*t in general, no one likes an unsolicited sexual innuendo, or worse, dick pic.

Someone asked me something very important the other day, “How have you found dating with SexTalkWithSteph? You don’t think people will not want to date you? What if you meet someone and they don’t accept what you do and what you will be doing as a future sex therapist?” 

The answer for me is very simple. If what I do intimidates or upsets someone that I am intimately with, then that person is not for me. On top of the fact that I am in no rush to settle & by settle I mean, be with someone who doesn’t appreciate or understand who I am & why I am who I am — my mother could probably agree that my attitude and personality have been the same since I was basically in diapers. I’ve felt the same way about sexuality since my early teen years, so to say I would “change” parts of myself just to be with someone... is not someone I’ve ever been or something I’ve ever been about. Not to mention the fact that men have been more intimidated than EVER around me, whether it be casually or sexual, simply because they know about #SexTalkWithSteph. Women, not so much. 

It took a lot, and when I say a lot I mean like months, somewhat years for me to get out of my comfort zone so that I could put the knowledge I have out there for others & build a safe space to openly talk about VALID questions that so many people have but are embarrassed to ask or talk about out loud! Knowing that so many of you have reached out to me makes this experience worth it and makes me so hopeful and excited for the future.

I’ve never been shy about sex, talking about sex, having sex, recommending pleasure toys or positions. To me, that is just about as “casual” of a conversation as talking about the weather. 

The negative comments that some may have to say, cannot and will literally never faze me. Sexuality is something I have always been very passionate about. The LGBTQI2-S community has and always will be dear to my heart, as it is what initially started my love and curiosity to the deeper waters of “sex”. 

I genuinely and truly just want every human to have the greatest, healthiest, safest & mindful sex. And if someone chooses to not have sex, I want that for them too. What I don’t want is people acting like we are talking about something out of this universe. We all have sex, a lot of use toys, some of us don’t have sex or use toys. It is ALL acceptable. What is NOT acceptable is trying to bully or shame someone for who they are. We can all be so great, there is no need to try and bring others down. It doesn't look good.

I’ve had people thank me for enhancing their sex life (partnerships and casual), whether it be through communication or introducing toys in the bedroom with their partners. And as humbled as I truly am when I am given that recognition, I am not the one to thank. The ones to thank are YOU. For putting in that effort and stepping out of your comfort zones. The pleasure is mine to be able to contribute to a future of great and most importantly, healthy sex.

"Nothing I accept about myself can be used against me to diminish me"

I have so much I want to write on and eventually want to get into reviewing pleasure toys, more in depth and descriptive. As always, thank you so much if you've read this far. All of your support means the world to mean, more than you will all ever know!